Walking The Presence Line

I've been reading about meditation and spiritual practice for a few years, and though I'm certainly not an expert I've come across more information on the topic than I ever expected for myself. Some information still seems hard for me to grasp, and some becomes such a big part of me that I feel it's locked into my memory. Currently, there are a few books I'm really enjoying to help guide my patterns of thought and reactions. Ben gave me both of these books in hopes of helping me find a way to release some anxiety, and I'm certain the books play a role in the coming of ease I've felt in the past few weeks. Riddled with some tense feelings for longer than I was accustomed to, I was beginning to feel that I was stuck in a pattern of negative thought. We all go through these fluctuations through our outer and inner experiences, and mine happened to manifest in outer and inner ways simultaneously. Among what felt like constant presentations of self doubt and tests in personal and professional life, I found myself feeling overwhelmed. I hadn't felt this overwhelmed in some time and it reminded me just how vulnerable I am. I'm thankful that I was eventually able to realize that it was simply another experience, and I should be glad for something different. Through change that is and will be forever present, I am constantly reminded that if circumstances stayed the same (even if they're enjoyable for the moment), there would be no excitement and no wonder for life. Though we come across people and situations in every way of life that give us a chance to tap into emotion, what good would it do if it were constantly only the positive ones? Adversity is a reality of life and noticing my own reactions and judgments of it is a priceless lesson. Something new is a blessing, even if it's in disguise.

One of the books I'm enjoying as an aide for this self observance is a book on meditations called "Taming the Tiger Within" by Thich Nhat Hanh. This book is a compiled collection of short thoughts on being mindful with our emotions. Though there are countless entries to be discussed, one that resonates with me fully for now is: "When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself." Sounds like the story of my life! I know I have a long way to go and I'm still working in every moment that I can remember, but I also pat myself on the back from time to time when I notice just how lost I've become. I constantly find myself engrossed in such a mental story that it could probably fill the pages of a book. I often wonder if it's like that for everyone else and then I realize that is just a mental escape too...to compare my own experience to that of others. I am sure others have similar experiences to mine and I am sure others have experiences that are to the opposite extremes of my own. Sitting at lunch the other day during my birthday celebration with co-workers, we started talking about zodiac signs. Another teacher has the same birthday as mine and she brought up that her and her husband have the same birthday. A different teacher commented that people of the Gemini signs are ruled by their thoughts as an air sign. It was so ironic that I only tuned into the conversation for that one particular comment..I had been lost in my own head while sitting amongst a group of people there to celebrate my own birthday!

I feel grateful for the practice I've found that helps me notice my own patterns instead of being constantly unaware. I went to a yoga class recently where the teacher said "once you're in your heart, you're stuck there and you gotta sit with it...there's no getting out." I've thought and spoken with friends about this many times after realizing that the more present I am, the more I feel deeply. How wonderful it is to be on an upswing and feel on a deeper level than ever before: love, happiness, contentment, joy, the list goes on. Yet as it is in all ways of life that surround the search for truth, with all ups come downs. And with higher ups, come lower lows. So I've felt my low points on a deeper level too, which can be scary. I found one way to cope with deep set feelings of sadness and despair is to notice where it sits in my body. Where do I really feel it? For everyone it's different and for different experiences the feelings sit in different places for me. I heard a spiritual teacher mention the necessity of those in our lives who bring us to the places when we feel emotions. She calls it a "charge" when someone puts you in a spot of feeling emotion. It's easier to notice the emotions that are associated with negativity, but these charges can serve for positive emotions as well. A dear friend of mine referred to it recently as a "little Buddha", because it is our teacher. I always think to myself that I don't come across a lot of people that really charge me up in negative ways..I like to think I'm agreeable. Yet when I tap into the layer of real emotion, I notice that my own way of being "agreeable" simply covers up deeper emotions surrounded with judgment and anger. And that goes wayyyyy back to a time when my current experience wasn't even an inkling of an occurrence, it goes way back into my own pattern of reacting that was formed at such a young age that I wasn't even aware of what my emotions were. Noticing the source of that anger is a constant practice. Noticing the other emotions goes hand in hand with the anger. After coming in contact with a good number of charges in the past year, I've tried numerous ways of dealing with those emotions. The best way I've found for my own practice is to notice where my physical body feels that emotion, what my mind does as a reaction to it, the self talk that came before and that comes after the emotion, and if it has an effect on my mental state.

My sources of charges just like mostly everyone else comes in the form of co-workers, fellow students & professors in class, friends, young students at school, family members, and people I don't even know. As I come across someone who is active in my daily life or a person that I have no relationship with, noticing my own self talk regarding that person shows me where my thoughts are lingering. Is my reaction based on their attitude? Their clothing or physical appearance? The way they converse with me including tone of voice and body language? Their reaction to my reactions? Is my reaction positive, negative, or neutral? Is there something that bothers me so much to the point where I feel high emotion, yet to someone else it's not even a second thought?

Working with special needs children who require 100% of your attention leaves little time for adult communication. Finding communication to be SO essential to building successful relationships, I found it quite the challenge to be in an atmosphere where so much communication was one sided. Either it was between student and adult (the students literally cannot communicate properly so that's always interesting), or it was being informed the proper way to do things and end of discussion type deal. One thing I have noticed in my professional life is that there are constant happenings that seem to highly charge up emotions in others, yet it seems to me just an occurrence passing through. Of course the classroom vibes were highly influenced by the fact that our entire staff is female and all of our students are male. It certainly made for an interesting school year and classroom atmosphere. The fine line for me is that I wonder if I am covering up my true feelings on it, if I am avoiding how it makes me feel, or if I am backing away from it because I simply refuse to engage in those types of scenarios. On the other side of that argument with the self, I like to believe it's perfectly acceptable for me to observe another in the way they experience something, and stay neutral to the situation without providing further escalation to my own experience. What a paradox it seems sometimes! Though this work experience is one of the most challenging I have ever faced, it was also such an amazing learning experience. Our motto for helping our little ones with Autism is that we try our best to find the things that are really tough for them, and make it somehow easier...even if it's by 1%. I like to think I approach life in this way sometimes. When I find something that's really difficult, especially when it involves the well being of others, I try to make it easier. How can I make a situation easier for myself? How can I make it easier for them? Realizing that I can only have control over my own emotions and reactions to things, has helped me begin to release the death grip...even if it's only by 1%. There are simply some things that are out of our control. And on the other hand, there are so many things that are in our control if we find the approach that works in harmony with how we see our life unfolding.

I also wanted to share a little tool I gained from the Insight Meditation Community that hosts the weekly meditations I mentioned in a previous post. There is a mindfulness bell you can program into your computer to go off at certain intervals (as often or little as you prefer), and whenever the bell rings you simply use it as a reminder to notice how you feel in that moment. Click here to explore the bell. The bell just went off for me again and I'm going to end this post to sit for a moment and see what has changed since the last time it rang :) DING!

New Moon

The Taurus New Moon is upon us! This new moon reminds us to become fully embodied in all of our experiences. Some of these experiences may not always be what we feel is ideal for our moment, but if we stay present and see it through, it will always pass. To feel every part of the ups an downs is what we're really here for. Once you begin to tap into your experience on a deeper level, your times of pleasure and happiness may be that much more enjoyable. With times of heightened pleasure and happiness, we will also feel the downside of our experiences on a deeper level. Meet your emotions at the door and welcome them in, treat them as your guest no matter what they bring. When they take you really low, just lay low with it and wait for a new guest to arrive.

With this new moon energy surrounding us, set an intention for yourself. Let your intuition bring your intention to you, instead of trying to come up with a good one. Whatever is brought to you without effort will be the good one. The best times to release your intention into the world begin this evening (Thursday) and last until the late hours of Saturday night. Use this time to tap into what can be new for you. With the change of seasons in full swing this is the perfect time to re-commit and bring a shift to something you may have let fall to the side, or to find something that will be a whole new addition to your life. I'd like to share a poem I heard a few months ago at a women's moon gathering (thanks Martha!) This poem has stuck with me through quite a few of my experiences since I heard it, and serves a wonderful purpose for my current moment.

Allow, by Danna Faulds:

"There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado. Dam a
stream and it will create a new
channel. Resist, and the tide
will sweep you off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry
you to higher ground. The only
safety lies in letting it all in –
the wild and the weak; fear,
fantasies, failures and success.
When loss rips off the doors of
the heart, or sadness veils your
vision with despair, practice
becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being, the whole
world is revealed to your new eyes."

Mother's Day

I am so lucky, in so many ways! On this day I'm noticing just how lucky I am with the Mother I've been blessed with. The utmost respect, gratitude, unconditional love and compassion, and hope goes out for mine. I hope you can send the same to yours. And if there isn't an acting Mother or mothering figure present in your life, you can make it your connection with the Mother Earth. The Earth we inhabit is the most sacred of all....she gives us every single thing that keeps us alive and moving! She is powerful and overwhelmed, yet soft and inviting in her own way too. Take time today to show your true gratitude for the mothering power in your life, whatever it may be.

After sitting around the table at my Uncle's first family gathering since the holiday season, I was surprised by how wonderful and soothing it was to just be in the presence of loved ones. Some of us may not have as many as others, and some of us may have a number that is overwhelming to us. The principle is, it's all love and it's all for us. On Mother's day we appreciate the yin part of our life...the soft & gentle, feminine, healing, caring, tranquil, light, restful. After reminiscing with my mother about childhood times, I came to remember so many little yet priceless moments. At the gathering, I was sitting at the table that was for only current and future mothers (all women...cousins, grandmother, aunts, mother, sisters), and my brother took it upon himself to join the women table. Though perhaps it put a damper on the "woman" effect of having only females sitting, it was a wonderful balance too. I was also highly impressed that he was bold enough to pull up a chair to the levels of estrogen sitting in such a small space! I was reminded of the beauty of balance of yin and yang. When all the other men at the gathering filtrated back into the common room, it was once again yin and yang. The balance of the yang and masculine brought strength, heat, activity, fiery energy and conversation. It would be madness to think about life without the balance. So on this day, my morning consisted of a feminine, soft, quiet meditation and yoga practice (very soft asana being that I still wear a mini boot on my injured foot...a post in itself about patience and being still). My afternoon consisted of more masculinity, with productivity, energy and activity, and constructive thought. I have once again been reminded that men have softness too. And for the mothers and future mothers...strength is present even during times of weakness. Let us all be aware of our true dual natures today.

Change Is In The Air

These past few weeks have brought up some huge changes for me. Change in general can be scary and intimidating and exciting and freeing alike. While embracing the fact that it is perfectly okay to not know all the answers, things suddenly get a little easier. Sitting with a fractured foot and not being able to practice my "usual" asana, I've been given a little jump start into being more mindful and incorporating more meditation so that I can better adapt to the changes that arise. These changes are simply shifts in emotions, thoughts, daily routines, weather, food preferences, and so much more.

After finding an amazing weekly meditation sit through the Insight Meditation Community on Wednesday evenings in Bethesda, I've felt a slight shift in the amount of stress and anxiety I feel. I was first exposed to Tara Brach at a meditation workshop led by a dear friend of mine (Steve Haddad leads Vipassana Meditation in Baltimore City). After hearing Tara speak in person I am that much more impressed and soothed by her teachings. Last night's meditation was led by a guest speaker by the name of Anh-Houng Nguyen. After being in the presence of these wonderful women who have to do no more than simply call your attention to your own breath, sensations, and feelings; I feel inspired once again. After being instructed to "dial 911" and call my "inner Buddha" to the rescue, I have once again found my breath as the most useful and humble teacher of all. Coming up in mid June (17-20) is a big event for the IMC at American University called Buddha Fest which will include Buddhist teachings, films, and entertainment. After just two positive experiences with this humble community I'm looking forward to having the opportunity to see what this weekend is all about!