I've been reading about meditation and spiritual practice for a few years, and though I'm certainly not an expert I've come across more information on the topic than I ever expected for myself. Some information still seems hard for me to grasp, and some becomes such a big part of me that I feel it's locked into my memory. Currently, there are a few books I'm really enjoying to help guide my patterns of thought and reactions. Ben gave me both of these books in hopes of helping me find a way to release some anxiety, and I'm certain the books play a role in the coming of ease I've felt in the past few weeks. Riddled with some tense feelings for longer than I was accustomed to, I was beginning to feel that I was stuck in a pattern of negative thought. We all go through these fluctuations through our outer and inner experiences, and mine happened to manifest in outer and inner ways simultaneously. Among what felt like constant presentations of self doubt and tests in personal and professional life, I found myself feeling overwhelmed. I hadn't felt this overwhelmed in some time and it reminded me just how vulnerable I am. I'm thankful that I was eventually able to realize that it was simply another experience, and I should be glad for something different. Through change that is and will be forever present, I am constantly reminded that if circumstances stayed the same (even if they're enjoyable for the moment), there would be no excitement and no wonder for life. Though we come across people and situations in every way of life that give us a chance to tap into emotion, what good would it do if it were constantly only the positive ones? Adversity is a reality of life and noticing my own reactions and judgments of it is a priceless lesson. Something new is a blessing, even if it's in disguise.
One of the books I'm enjoying as an aide for this self observance is a book on meditations called "Taming the Tiger Within" by Thich Nhat Hanh. This book is a compiled collection of short thoughts on being mindful with our emotions. Though there are countless entries to be discussed, one that resonates with me fully for now is: "When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself." Sounds like the story of my life! I know I have a long way to go and I'm still working in every moment that I can remember, but I also pat myself on the back from time to time when I notice just how lost I've become. I constantly find myself engrossed in such a mental story that it could probably fill the pages of a book. I often wonder if it's like that for everyone else and then I realize that is just a mental escape too...to compare my own experience to that of others. I am sure others have similar experiences to mine and I am sure others have experiences that are to the opposite extremes of my own. Sitting at lunch the other day during my birthday celebration with co-workers, we started talking about zodiac signs. Another teacher has the same birthday as mine and she brought up that her and her husband have the same birthday. A different teacher commented that people of the Gemini signs are ruled by their thoughts as an air sign. It was so ironic that I only tuned into the conversation for that one particular comment..I had been lost in my own head while sitting amongst a group of people there to celebrate my own birthday!
I feel grateful for the practice I've found that helps me notice my own patterns instead of being constantly unaware. I went to a yoga class recently where the teacher said "once you're in your heart, you're stuck there and you gotta sit with it...there's no getting out." I've thought and spoken with friends about this many times after realizing that the more present I am, the more I feel deeply. How wonderful it is to be on an upswing and feel on a deeper level than ever before: love, happiness, contentment, joy, the list goes on. Yet as it is in all ways of life that surround the search for truth, with all ups come downs. And with higher ups, come lower lows. So I've felt my low points on a deeper level too, which can be scary. I found one way to cope with deep set feelings of sadness and despair is to notice where it sits in my body. Where do I really feel it? For everyone it's different and for different experiences the feelings sit in different places for me. I heard a spiritual teacher mention the necessity of those in our lives who bring us to the places when we feel emotions. She calls it a "charge" when someone puts you in a spot of feeling emotion. It's easier to notice the emotions that are associated with negativity, but these charges can serve for positive emotions as well. A dear friend of mine referred to it recently as a "little Buddha", because it is our teacher. I always think to myself that I don't come across a lot of people that really charge me up in negative ways..I like to think I'm agreeable. Yet when I tap into the layer of real emotion, I notice that my own way of being "agreeable" simply covers up deeper emotions surrounded with judgment and anger. And that goes wayyyyy back to a time when my current experience wasn't even an inkling of an occurrence, it goes way back into my own pattern of reacting that was formed at such a young age that I wasn't even aware of what my emotions were. Noticing the source of that anger is a constant practice. Noticing the other emotions goes hand in hand with the anger. After coming in contact with a good number of charges in the past year, I've tried numerous ways of dealing with those emotions. The best way I've found for my own practice is to notice where my physical body feels that emotion, what my mind does as a reaction to it, the self talk that came before and that comes after the emotion, and if it has an effect on my mental state.
My sources of charges just like mostly everyone else comes in the form of co-workers, fellow students & professors in class, friends, young students at school, family members, and people I don't even know. As I come across someone who is active in my daily life or a person that I have no relationship with, noticing my own self talk regarding that person shows me where my thoughts are lingering. Is my reaction based on their attitude? Their clothing or physical appearance? The way they converse with me including tone of voice and body language? Their reaction to my reactions? Is my reaction positive, negative, or neutral? Is there something that bothers me so much to the point where I feel high emotion, yet to someone else it's not even a second thought?
Working with special needs children who require 100% of your attention leaves little time for adult communication. Finding communication to be SO essential to building successful relationships, I found it quite the challenge to be in an atmosphere where so much communication was one sided. Either it was between student and adult (the students literally cannot communicate properly so that's always interesting), or it was being informed the proper way to do things and end of discussion type deal. One thing I have noticed in my professional life is that there are constant happenings that seem to highly charge up emotions in others, yet it seems to me just an occurrence passing through. Of course the classroom vibes were highly influenced by the fact that our entire staff is female and all of our students are male. It certainly made for an interesting school year and classroom atmosphere. The fine line for me is that I wonder if I am covering up my true feelings on it, if I am avoiding how it makes me feel, or if I am backing away from it because I simply refuse to engage in those types of scenarios. On the other side of that argument with the self, I like to believe it's perfectly acceptable for me to observe another in the way they experience something, and stay neutral to the situation without providing further escalation to my own experience. What a paradox it seems sometimes! Though this work experience is one of the most challenging I have ever faced, it was also such an amazing learning experience. Our motto for helping our little ones with Autism is that we try our best to find the things that are really tough for them, and make it somehow easier...even if it's by 1%. I like to think I approach life in this way sometimes. When I find something that's really difficult, especially when it involves the well being of others, I try to make it easier. How can I make a situation easier for myself? How can I make it easier for them? Realizing that I can only have control over my own emotions and reactions to things, has helped me begin to release the death grip...even if it's only by 1%. There are simply some things that are out of our control. And on the other hand, there are so many things that are in our control if we find the approach that works in harmony with how we see our life unfolding.
I also wanted to share a little tool I gained from the Insight Meditation Community that hosts the weekly meditations I mentioned in a previous post. There is a mindfulness bell you can program into your computer to go off at certain intervals (as often or little as you prefer), and whenever the bell rings you simply use it as a reminder to notice how you feel in that moment. Click here to explore the bell. The bell just went off for me again and I'm going to end this post to sit for a moment and see what has changed since the last time it rang :) DING!
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