Grieving and Healing

I’ve noticed a recurrent theme circling my thoughts and life in the past few months.  Perhaps this theme hasn’t been true for my own life experience, but it’s present in the outer layer of my mind…which makes it real for me in a sense.  This theme isn’t a pleasant one, and it has left me feeling unsettled at times.  A few months ago I read a book with a detailed rape scene.  A few weeks ago I experienced two heavy conversations surrounding the topic of rape and violence.  And just two days ago, my community suffered the burden of a tragedy so unwarranted, we are still left speechless.  I won’t discuss in great detail what happened (if you want to research, look up Lululemon Bethesda Homicide), but two women were assaulted in the middle of an affluent and popular area in MD.  One was raped and left to be found, and one was killed.  In this day and age, tragedies like this strike the news everyday.  Yet we live in our bubble, and when it’s not completely real to us, we don’t experience it fully.

I was in New York City when I learned of what happened so close to my home, and tried not to give it much thought.  After my recent conversations I was somewhat avoidant of the thoughts of such violence.  I was exhausted mentally and physically from two traveling weekends, and simply didn’t have the energy to put into grasping the situation fully.  When I set foot in my work place on Monday I was greeted with more details than I could have read in the news, and emotions flew.  I encountered people at work who knew the victims, and this changed the emotions once again.  It went from an awful image in my mind to a tangible, real experience.  I experienced their pain, their questioning of life, their disbelief.  While all of us avoided processing real emotion, we did our best to work through it and make jokes to keep happy faces.  What else were we to do besides cover our emotions and work professionally?  Upon leaving work, I was happy to be back at my regular yoga class at Sacred Space.  Being in Kim's is always an emotional experience, but this proved to be quite a test for me.  She dedicated the class to those suffering in Japan (worthy of a whole different blog post).  She encouraged us to focus 100% of our energy on those who are suffering in the world, and to do only what we are able to do for them.  Even if we don’t have the means to physically give back, or give cash, we were invited to give our pure energy of devotion to the healing of the world.  This stems from our everyday actions, whether it is being friendly to who you encounter at the bank and the grocery store, or doing something special to remind someone you love them.  I chose to dedicate my practice to the victims of the local tragedy, and their families and friends.

Throughout practice, my mind circled continuously and my emotions ran through my like a river.  My tears were constant and it felt wonderful to release it through a physical practice.  What I struggled with (and I still am), is the justification of it all.  When we try to wrap our minds around the awful things that people do to each other, we can sometimes find the reason.  For example, a war is waged based upon political disagreements, accusations, etc.  Yet an act like this one, seemingly unexpected and unprecedented, is extremely hard to find reasoning for. 

I’ve been interested in the flow of life and why things happen the way they do for a few years.  I’ve done my best to wrap my mind around the theory that we all attract what comes to us.  Just because something happens to us that is painful or negative doesn’t mean we’re bad people, but we somehow did attract it….right?  How on earth did these women attract an act so horrific that it makes me sick to my stomach?  How do we justify THIS?

As I always do when I encounter an emotionally trying situation, I discussed it with my closest friends.  I asked them these questions, I pleaded with them to help me understand.  What they offered for me was not the cure I was grasping for, but perhaps a push in the right direction of acceptance.  They shed the light for me that while this act committed was so painful and damaging, there must be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.  Out of all pain comes beauty and healing.  Perhaps this situation will teach us all something.  It may not be easy to see it now, when we’re in the midst of the darkness and confusion.  My dear friends helped me to remember that now that the act is done, it is finished.  The healing starts now, for everyone involved and for everyone on the outside.  These situations bring up emotions for all of us, and it is up to us to take hold of our own healing.  Once we begin our healing, we can send out our positive energy to those who need it.  Everyone needs healing on some level or another, at some time in their life.  

I’m taking the recent tragedies as a reminder to me that life is short.  We have only one that we know of, and it is not to be wasted.  Perhaps this occurrence will inspire women to explore self defense that will someday help save a life.  What I do know is that it’s time to tap into what I really want out of my life, and to create it.  For if this life is taken from me or changed unexpectedly in a way that will limit my capacity to live the way I do now, I want to know with every fiber in me that I didn’t waste a second.  I’m taking this lesson as a reminder.  I’m dedicating my practice and my teaching this week and in the coming weeks to those who suffer with lingering questions of "why"?